Tuesday, November 2, 2010

"It's called Blue Ruin.."

I suppose if I'm going to write a personal blog, I am going to have to let you into my personal life.  At least, two or three years ago the Tree used to do that all the time.  I  guess I felt more comfortable displaying myself back then.  Perhaps it'll be good for me to do it nowadays.  Anyway, for those of you that actually know me (no, Timbo Jones is not my real life name) you will likely be familiar with, at minimum, part of this.  For those that don't know me, it is new.  With everyone in mind, I won't go into great detail...not yet.

Yesterday, something happened that, right now, is really bothering me. Specifically, it's making me fear for my long term psychological well being in a way things haven't up until this point.  You see, in April of 2008 I met this girl, let's call her "Aphrodite".  I met Aphrodite one day on a law school related weekend trip.  I am not exaggerating when I say that a week later we were in love with each other.  We actually told each other this and recognized how ridiculous it was to say this so soon.  What I didn't realize when I met her (for the first 5 days) was that she had a fiancĂ©.  For the purposes of what you think of her, i'll just say, she never cheated on him and she ended it before we began anything.  We dated for the next two years and two months...blissfully I might add.

Now, I wouldn't be telling you all of this if something didn't happen, and if some of you are good with calendars, you already know the relationship ended this past June.  Let's just say it did not end well, it ended (and still doesn't exist) against my will,  it wasn't because of anything I did, and it has been a long arduous road attempting to get over it without any sort of help from Aphrodite...who now lives 1730 miles away.  First person who doesn't personally know me to guess where she currently resides based on the information you now have will get a shout out in the next post.  I'm also expecting nobody to respond to this post, so I will likely not be shouting anybody out.

On to what happened yesterday.  So, I restarted this blog a few days ago.  As expected, I do not have many visitors yet.  However, a twitter presence I did not have a couple of years ago has helped me reach a few readers each of the past few days...not a bad start.  Each day, probably a couple of times a day, I will check the sitemeter to see how many people have read the Tree and where they are from.  I find where people are reading the Tree to be very interesting.  So far, most are from the New York metro area...but the Tree has reached Florida, D.C., Seattle, New Hampshire and even Texas.  This intrigues me.  With all those interesting places reading I didn't expect one reader, less than a mile from where I lived for a year, to be the one that threw me for a loop.  Yesterday, at around five o'clock I checked my sitemeter and had one new reader from New York City.  Now that was inocuous enough...it means very little.  However, sitemeter also will tell you how people got to your page...in this instance, this reader found the Tree through a google search.  What did he/she search for on google?  And why would it peak my interest?  The reader had searched for "Aphrodite" (he searched for her real name).  You see, back when the Tree was a politics blog, Aphrodite was a guest blogger for a week while I was away.  To distinguish these posts for what was a healthy readership back then I had her display her name in the bylines.  Obviously, this path to my blog sparked my curiosity.  I then noticed where the IP address was specifically located in New York City, something sitemeter supplies.  The visitor was coming to the Tree from a computer located on the NYU campus.  It specifically listed NYU on sitemeter, even taking the time to explain to me that NYU meant it was "educational".  Now, Aphrodite only knows one person from NYU that I can think of........her ex fiance.

Now, I can care less that he is googling her.  What concerns me is the fact that it has been over two and a half years since they broke up and he is still apparently not over her.  This scares me because if I'm still that concerned with her in two and a half year I will likely have completely lost my mind by that point.  Obviously I am not him, and they had been engaged for quite some time when they broke up.  However, I almost proposed to her earlier this year, and was planning on it as soon as I had the money to buy a ring.  I understand I am not the same person as he is, and this is a completely different circumstance (to say the least).  But, everyone tells me "it just takes time" and that "one day it will just feel better".  In my head this makes sense....but...what if it doesn't "just take time" or what if it takes too much time like it appears to be taking for ex fiance?  It just scares me is all.  I don't exactly know what I'm doing here.  I mean, Blunt Delivery has a tutorial for me, but it only takes me so far.  I'm terrified that it might take two effing years to get over this girl, partly because it's difficult to get over this kinda thing, and partly because I'm never entirely positive I want to.  Now I've gotten over one girl before...but that took a damn long time.  I just don't want to waste any of my "awesome years" (side note: watch How I Met Your Mother) because of this.  I ain't gettin any younger! Really, this poor kid googling Aphrodite just scares me. I don't want to end up like that.

So, does anybody have any suggestions? I write this after having watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind...and the memory erasing technology that movie led me to believe might some day exist has, to my disappointment, not been invented.  Your worldly advice and kind/unkind words would be appreciated.  Part of the wonders of having a blog is being able to interact with readers so I encourage you to comment.  Also, if you know me, please refrain from saying my real name.  And, if you suggest scotch you won't be helping, but I'll very much appreciate the enabling.  I've tried that.  It leads to headaches, inappropriate emails/texts, and larger credit cards bills/emptier wallets.  Listen, just hook a brother up.  Writing about it is therapeutic, but interacting with others who have clean  slates on the topic helps too.  Plus, I'm done bothering my friends and family with this, they've done enough.  So I do what any self-respecting mid-twenties, facebooking, tweeting loner does...I turn to the interwebz.


The Faux Trixie said...

my original comment was way more awesome, but I say go full-on rebound. Date, hook up, get ridiculously drunk, flirt, etc. It'll take your mind off it. That's what I did when I called it quits with loves of my life. :) I swear, it helps.

Also, is she in California?

redheadedgirl said...

Well, first, there's many reasons he could have been googling her that don't involve "I'm not over her yet." Idle curiosity, sheer boredom, lots of things. So you don't actually know where "there but for the grace of god go I" really is. Don't worry about him. It looks like you're projecting your own concerns on him, when the only evidence you have that he's not over her is a single Google search.

So. You asked for real stuff, so, here goes.

It takes a lot of time to heal from this kind of thing. 4 months is not that much time, so you're within normal limits. It sucks. It's hard. And it will get better. And your "Awesome years" will be there.

My concrete advice is to work on being a whole person. She didn't complete you (that whole "you complete me" thing is such crap. Don't be that co-dependent guy. It's creepy and sad.).

It's okay to be sad. It's also okay to stop being sad- that doesn't mean the relationship meant less, it means that you are ready to move on.

I hope that helps a little.

JoshueTree said...

Well thank you ladies for being my first real commenters.

Faux (may I call you Faux?)...sounds good, I'll get right on it. No, not Cali.

redheadedgirl: Stop being so logical and reasonable. It goes against everything I stand for.