Sunday, October 31, 2010

Damn Trick-or-Treats...THE GAMES ON!

Yes, today is Halloween.  My brother and sister-in-law have taken my adorable niece over to her aunts house, a better neighborhood (aka rich people candy), to trick-or-treat.  This leaves me here, in their house, to make sure the little chil'uns get their candy and don't grow up to egg the house.  It also occurs to me that there is a far more important reason for today to is football sunday.  I started to think to myself, "this isn't fair...I'm going to have to get up every 10 minutes to dole Starburst to little brats.  I'll probably miss half the games!".  Sometime in the future Halloween will, once again, fall on a Sunday.  I vow to never let this kinda of football-related inustice happen again, and because I'm a good guy, I will share with you the top ten ways to make sure nobody knocks on your door on Halloween ever again.

10:     Completely forget to button your fly/close your robe.  This will scare the children.  Fair warning: Depending on how many stay-at-home moms are in your neighborhood, this may attract unwanted cougars.

9:       Be the dick on the block that hands out pennies.  I always hated that dick.  Never went to that house.

8:       Dress like Agodor  from the movie The Birdcage.  This will not only frighten the children, but will drive any local fathers away as well.  They don't want to be seen with no puffta!  Fair Warning: This may or may not work in San Francisco, the west village in Manhattan, Cape Cod, Airport bathrooms and Republican congressional offices.

7:       Answer the door blackout drunk with a bottle of whiskey sticking out of your pocket.

6:       One by one turn to each trick-or-treater and say, and who are you supposed to be...OJ Simpson?

5:       When they ring your doorbell, open the door in 1820's English garb and start singing Oh Holy Night...that'll throw the little rejects for a loop.  It'll also get them asking their parents about Christmas very early.  The parents will never let them come back.

4:       Put a sign up on the front door that says please go to the back door.  On the back door put up a sign that says please go to the front door.  Tape the reaction...put it on youtube.

3:       Put aluminum siding over your front door.

2:       It's simple really.  Purposefully buy pre-packaged candy, and then take it out of the package and give it to the kids.  Loudly explain to the parents you don't f*&#ing care what your local newscaster says...candy is better out of the package.

1:       And the number 1 thing you can do to make sure trick-or-treaters don't return to your house ever again: Three words: Fruit Stripe Gum.


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