Saturday, October 30, 2010

The Great Pumpkin

Sadly, due to several things including the economy, bad choices, bad luck, bad people, and sheer ineptitude...I currently reside at my brothers house in Pennsylvania instead of where I should be, in my apartment in New York City.  This situation brings with it lots of reasons for concern, but for the purpose of this post, I will discuss it's effect on Halloween.  I WILL NOT HAVE A HALLOWEEN!  This is disappointing as I have grown to love Halloween.

Bridget, my first dog
Years ago, aka pre-college in my former life as a shy, quiet, reserved, awkward teenager...I did not like all.  No, this wasn't my Christine O'Donnell-esque stance against the satanic (it is actually pagan, Christine associates pagan with satanic, which isn't true) worship of the underworld.  It's must more selfish than that.  When I was much younger my first dog, Bridget, died on Halloween.  Later on, while rebelling against the man, my parents, the government and Mr. Belding, I was almost arrested but let off with a ticket on Halloween for being a degenerate with some eggs.  After that I went ahead and disavowed Halloween straight through college.  But then something happened.  Perhaps, it was growing up or maturing to the point of getting over youthful transgressions and hardships.  Maybe, I regained my childish love affair with dressing up and asking for treats.  Even more likely, it was the sheer level of slutitude that roamed the street of my college town on what became for me, the greatest of holidays.

Gladiator - 2006
I began to celebrate, my junior and senior year, by simply attending parties and sitting back and enjoying the view.  It wasn't until the year after my senior year of college that I began dressing up and taking part in the revelry.  In 2006 I was Gladiator because people tell me I look like Russell Crowe.  This involved wearing a skirt and tights.  I ended up walking home from downtown Albany, about a 45 minute walk in the freezing a skirt.  Then I moved back to New York City and saw what NYC Halloween was, and it was wonderous.  I remember 2007, when I was Captain Jack Sparrow and I ended up making out with my friends cousin who was visiting from Israel for the week.  I remember 2008 and 2009 when I was Wolverine and the Dick in a Box guy respectively.  I only ended up making it with my then girlfriend those nights, but they were no less fun.  Halloween is a wonderful day where women are free to be as slutty as they wish, and men can be as offensive, sexist, racist, and generally inappropriate as their hearts desire.

Captain Jack Sparrow - 2007
Note the eye shadow, it's all in the detail.
This year, I will not be taking part.  I am flat broke, 100 miles away without transportation and don't have a costume.  It will be a Halloween of taking my 3.5 year old niece trick-or-treating.  NOT the way a 26 year old is supposed to spend their Halloween.  But I will take it for what it is and attempt to make Halloween for my niece (she'll be Cinderella...classic), as fun for her as NYC would have been for me.  I will be back in NYC next year...and I will celebrate twice as hard to make up for this year.  So watch out for me, and if you have any idea for my costume...feel free to pass them along.

Dick in a Box - 2009
What you can't see is my douchey chinstrap
beard (real) and gold figaro chain.