Thanksgiving. Part Deux.

Yeah, that last post was kinda depressing, I get it.  Nobody read...nobody.  So here is a humorous thanks and non-thanks list post.  I hope you find me funny...if you don't, go fuck yourself (also, there's a serious list below it)

Things I'm thankful for:

1. Remotes have become longer but not wider in recent years.  It makes for excellent remote tossing and flipping while sitting on the couch.
2. Twitter: now I have an entire new and acceptable source for pictures of cleavage.
3. Scotch.
4. My blackberry:  How else would I be able to look at miniature porn and sext 17 year olds while on the train going back and forth between the free clinic.
5. The word spatula - say it...it's just a great word.
6. Jennifer Anniston's nipples.  I feel closer to them than my own mother.
7. I'm so jacked and tan.
8. They demolished the Spectrum in Philly the other day.  Seriously, fuck Philadelphia.
9. I don't live in Philadelphia.
10. That scene that is separate from the movie Darjeeling Limited but is still somehow part of the movie where Natalie Portman is completely naked except for her socks.  That was awesome.
11. The 1MX Express fitted button down.  That's just a nice shirt.
12. Women willing to cheat.
13. The way former Cincinatti Reds great Reggie Sanders looks in a baseball uniform.  The man was made to wear tight pants.
14. Scotch.
15. The Jersey Shore.  It's better than beer at making me feel good about myself.
16. The guy who invented "downward dog".  Thanks pal.
17. Johnny Depp.  He's really cool.
18. That despite being an out of shape boring white guy, I still look good naked.  What's that?  You don't believe me?  Then find out for yourself.  Please?
19. Mani-Pedis.  What, some of us care...Wolverine.
20. Lists.
21. Getting a boner just before getting fondled by a TSA security person.  No reason I should be the only one uncomfortable.
22. It's been so long since I've had sex that I am legally allowed to tell the next woman I sleep with that I'm a virgin.  She'll be amazed at how unbelievably adequate I am.
23. Scotch.

Thinks I'm not thankful for:

1. External genitalia.  Do you have any idea how many times I've sat on my own balls?
2. Being straight.  It would just be fucking easier to be gay, I swear.  
3. Being a white educated male.  Wait...wrong list.
4. Movies starring former/current/future wrestlers.
5. Women willing to cheat.
6. The law.  I fucking hate the law now.
7. I'm old enough now that a) my back hurts often, b) my hangovers last longer, c) I'm part of the unemployment rate.
8. The pressure that comes with being better than others.  It's a lot to handle.
9. My modest nature.
10. The Irish curse.
11. Vodka.  I believe if someone mixed a Peruvian hooker's work-sweat with lighter fluid...you'd get Vodka.
12. The pharmacy won't accept the Vicodin prescriptions written on a post-it...by me.
13. Any girl showing a pantie-line.  C'mon! It's 2010...what are you doing wearing underwear.