Many of the fine folks I regularly exchange 140 characters with share with me a certain affliction. A few of us are insomniacs. My mother informs me that even as a child I never slept. This includes infancy up through adolescents. I suppose it's been a problem for me all my life.
However, for the past few years the problem had dissipated. I was able to lay down in bed and fall asleep with little trouble. I may have taken a bit longer than others, perhaps an hour, but I could plan accordingly and get to sleep.
That changed about a year ago. We'll label last year as turbulent and leave it at that. At one point last June I was awake for 3 days straight. I was absolutely exhausted and sick because of it...but I just could not fall asleep.
At that point I decided enough was enough. I started taking any of the many sleeping helpers (happy-go-sleepy pills) that you can get without a prescription. It was the only thing, at the time, that could get me to sleep.
Over a year later, I am just now trying to get off of them. It's not like an addiction or anything like that. It's just, I haven't chanced not being able to fall asleep since then. I don't know exactly why, but every time it got a bit late and I wasn't asleep, I just took the PMs. Eventually I simply took them every night at ten o'clock that way I could be asleep by midnight or one if I was lucky. Sometimes it didn't work, but usually it did. Three PMs or two cups of the Quil will knock anyone out. Prior to the last few nights, I had not fallen asleep without the aid of some sort of sleeping drug or alcohol before 3 am since last year.
I bring this up because right now I am absolutely exhausted (excuse any errors). For the past four nights I have not taken anything to help me sleep. I have not fallen asleep before 3 AM. I get up for work at 7. So I've had sixteen hours of sleep in span where I was supposed to have thirty-two.
It appears there is nothing I can do about it. My roommate asked the basic questions: are you eating too late? Do you do too much right before bed? Have you considered not watching TV? Perhaps you shouldn't hang out in your bedroom during the day. All the things I've thought of before and tried to remedy. None have worked.
I don't know what it is exactly. As I've discussed here several times, I hate being alone. Prior to last year I hadn't slept alone in over two years. I really despise sleeping alone (I don't like the dark when I'm alone. I suppose that's childish. It's not fear...I just don't like it). I know that when I turn the lights out and teevee off I start to think about all the bad things that have/are/will happen. I tend to think about the past. I know that must play a roll. But I don't do that all of the time and often times I simply don't turn the teevee off at all. Perhaps I'm scared of those thoughts. Perhaps until I have exactly the life/job/relationship I want I will be perpetually terrified of tomorrow.
After all, if I don't go to sleep then the next day can't get me.