Wednesday, April 13, 2011

On Ineptitude.

You know those days/nights when you realize you haven't grown as much as you thought you have or that you are not nearly as strong as you had recently been perceiving yourself?  Yeah, fuck those. The last couple of nights, particularly between the hours of midnight and 10 am, have been a clusterfuck-my-head-up-fest of epic proportions.

I'm sadly not as able to handle certain aspects of my life, in particular my past, as I want to be and it's beginning to effect my future and that's disappointing.

For the record, here's a list of adjectives I'd currently use to describe myself:
  • immature
  • pathetic
  • confused
  • small
  • fucking stupid
  • self destructive
  • handsome (gotta be one in there)
  • fucking confused
So there's that.

I rarely have people in my life who fully understand my very special blend of insane herbs and spices or the reasoning behind it that befuddles even me.  Nobody currently in my life has ever gotten there. In fact, there is likely only one person who has ever fully been able to walk the fall corn maze of my mind and come out the other side. Perhaps if I go sit on a half wall by Madison or the swings they'll be there to help me?  Probably not.

2011 may be that rebuilding year that I need to go through on my own. Do things by hand, building everything back from the ground up. All wonderful and clich├ęd metaphors....they have to have lasted so long for a reason, right?  

Here's hopin.